so I realize that really only one or two people read this, but I have to right anyway. Did you ever just feel the need for a hug? I'm really feeling that need right now. I got a letter yesterday (well, and email) and it was a rejection letter from one of the magazines I submitted to, which sucks really bad. Unfortunately, they've decided my work just isnt' right for them, but they wish me luck in finding a home for it. well, I knew I was bound to get rejected sooner or later, but I was hoping later. I think it helps that it's been about 2 months since I sent it out, so it's not a huge part of me at the moment. instant rejection sucks though.
that's situation number one. Right now I'm in a little town in New Mexico. Actually I'm not even in a town, I'm sitting in the middle of a field, stealing connection from the health lodge of the boy scout camp I'm at. I've been visiting my parents since this past wednesday. I thought it would be great for me to get out for a while, I missed my family,things have been rough between a few of my friends, and I have just been bummed out lately. so I come here to New mexico, and it just gets worse. The trip started on wednesday morning, at 6:30am, when the girl I was going with didn't feel like it was a good thing for her to go. so I drive off by myself and make the 12 hour drive by my freakin' self. it was horribly long, and I wasn't such a happy camper. ok, I'll admit, I cried for a little bit while I was driving, not so much because she wasn't with me (no offense to her) but because of everything piling up and it just hit me, and I collapsed. I'm not a crier by anymeans, some people wonder if I have emotions I htink.
anyway, so I'm here in new mexico at a boy scout camp, where 2 years ago, I worked with captain jax here. and unfortunatly, his memory is everywhere. the things we did here, it's all over, and it hurts so much, we had such a good time, and our relationship grew so much during the summer we spent here, and it's just hard to hink of him pushing everything in the corner of his mind to later delete.
so I need a hug, I just want to be hugged like it'll never end. I want someone to just hold me and tell me that I'm a great person, and that there's so much out there for me, that when I just need to let go and cry they'll tell me it's ok for me to do that and give me a shoulder. there's a book I haven't been able to read yet, it's at desert book, something about a needed hug or something. I keep thinking of it, and how good it'll be when I finally can read it.
I'd like to think that I'm strong in the gospel. I turn to the Lord, not just when I need him, but all the time (I'm sure moreso when I need him) but it didn't really hit me until just recently (I htink it was a talk I heard somewhere) but the atonement isn't just for forgiving sins, and I always forget that. because I had to use the atonement for a large issue in my life, I don't think of it as the way the Lord knows about how I feel in everything happening, but as a way He found to help me overcome sins and be forgiven. But it's so much for than that, and I'm just starting to realize it, and trying to find a way to make it work for me. I was told in a certain blessing to remember the atonement in my life, and I just assumed to was to help me overcome sins, because of the timing of the blessing, that's what I would use it for. But I realize even more, right now especially, that it's help me in all situations, that the atonement is so the Lord can help in the good and the bad times I'm having. when I'm just struggling because my tire went flat, or I want to shout with joy because I was accepted to a magazine, or I want to curl up and die because my boyfriend broek my heart. Either way, in whatever situation, I'm able to call on the lord because of the atonement and all he went through, so he could empathize with me. not sympathize, but actually empathize, and feel what I'm feeling. I'm trying to be able to understand that so much. even when I'm in the middle of nowhere, trying to forget captainjax and move forward, he knows what that feels like and I've just got to remember that and take advantage of it.
